im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
