hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
