you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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