How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
