Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
