i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
