I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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