we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
