i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
