Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
