I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
