if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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