You just made me feel so damn special
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
