My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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