I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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