Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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