Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
