Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
