Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
