Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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