i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
