you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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