96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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