david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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