I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
