life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
