you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
