forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
