after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
