she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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