Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
