It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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