Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
