it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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