I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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