u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
