I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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