Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
