Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
