if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
