shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
