I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
