we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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