You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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