So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
