mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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