Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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