I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
