i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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