Where is the hickey?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
